Peace at Home

This article first appeared in DisciplesWorld Magazine and is reprinted here with their permission. Visit DisciplesWorld online at www.disciplesworld.com.

Peace at Home

We are living in a time of accelerated everything. We grab fast food on the way to soccer practice, eat in the car, and help our kids with homework in the bank drive-through line. We often fit prayer and time for God in around the edges of everything else—or plan it later, "When I have a spare moment."

Peace comes at a premium. Perhaps more than ever before, we need space to rest and relax, to calm down from the constant running, to center ourselves and find a few peaceful moments of serenity. We need to catch our breath. We need quiet.

And then Sam appears in the doorway. His face is a furious red. "Tad broke my Gameboy!" he shouts.

Sam stomps out in the hallway to yell at his brother. "Yes you did! Mom, he had it before soccer practice and now it's not working! He broke it!"

Normal Family Chaos

Most families have a familiar undercurrent of daily happenings that can easily erupt into chaos. Sometimes conflicts are fueled by emotions and sometimes by external pressures, but they are nearly always the story of an individual not getting what he or she needs or wants in a given situation. Chaos happens when we're unprepared, down, tired, hungry, stressed, or over-extended; it pops up when people just aren't communicating and may be feeling frustrated or fearful, or both. We look up and the situation is out of control, or getting close to it. People are upset. Words are flying. Doors may start slamming soon.

· Territory disputes. "Mom! She's in my room again!" or "Brian, if you park your car blocking the driveway one more time, I'm taking away your driving privileges!"

· Sibling squabbles. Matt is fighting with little brother Kevin over rights to the Sony Playstation again. The voices are escalating in the basement, and you hear some shuffling and "MOM!!! He's going to hit me!!!"

· Money manipulating. When does the allowance stop? When does the part-time job start? Does Janice buy her own shampoo or do you? What happens when she wants to try a new brand every other week? Money isn't the source of all chaos, but it certainly is the root of a lot of conflicts.

· Curfew pushing. Even if 10:00 was fine last week, suddenly it's restrictive. Steven wants you to extend his curfew to 11:00, beginning tonight.

· Chore griping. Stacy is sick of unloading the dishwasher. She's done it since seventh grade. She's got homework to do and a part-time job besides. She thinks somebody else should do those menial chores.

· Boundary pushing. You said no to a completely shaved head, and Melissa came home from the salon with a modified mohawk. Yes, there's hair, but not as much of it as you had expected.

We don't enjoy these moments of conflict and upset, but they are a normal part of human life. It's a simple fact of living with others: Our opinions are going to clash from time to time. Mom and Dad—being mom and dad—need to set rules and guidelines that the kids aren't always going to like. Feelings get hurt. Patience gets tested.

The age-old question, "How can I be an individual and still be part of something bigger than myself?" is one that carries through all our relationships and life circumstances—in our relationships with our spouses, our kids, our parents, our work, and even with God. Conflicts naturally erupt as we figure out our boundaries—when to defend them and when to relax them—and learn how to communicate honestly, work together, and seek harmony (at home, work, or in our relationship to the Divine) in an intentional way.

10 Tips for Cultivating Peace at Home

When things get a little crazy around your house, there are things you can do to lessen the stress and calm things down. Here are a few practical ideas to help you build peace at home:

1. Relax. When things begin to escalate or you find yourself feeling frustrated and irritable, take a moment for yourself and clear your thoughts. Become aware of your feelings, ask yourself what's really bothering you. Is it the volume in the family room? Is it the fact that Jamie is still online and you needed to email your report in 45 minutes ago? Is it something as simple as everybody's nervous about Aunt Edna arriving or the air conditioner is on the blink and people are hot and uncomfortable? When you realize what's fueling the upset, let yourself have an Aha! moment and then give yourself permission to relax. There may still be an issue to address, but identifying what's really upsetting you gives you the clarity you'll need to resolve it peacefully.

2. Remember the big picture. As parents, we try to create a safe, loving environment for our kids, an environment in which they can learn the things they need in order to be healthy adults one day. We teach them—consciously or unconsciously—about God and love and sharing and truth; we show them, through our choices in the larger world and by the rules we establish at home, how to live within boundaries and be a responsible part of a community. In light of the bigger picture, the little squabbles about dirty socks on the family room floor fade to the miniscule problems that they really are. When you remember that you're doing the majority of things right, and that your family is getting what it needs and growing as it should, the pressure lessens to get every last detail perfect.

3. Expect occasional chaos—and know how to handle it. Remember that the fact that your family squabbles occasionally doesn't mean there's anything wrong—it means you have a normal, human family. Conflicts happen in all families where people are independent individuals with their own opinions, perspectives, and interests (which is healthy, after all). You can help yourself relax and keep things in perspective if you know that conflict is going to occur and have a game plan for how to resolve it. This also shows your kids how to resolve conflict in an honest way—it gives them skills they will be able to use in the larger world, not just at home when Tad breaks Sam's new Gameboy.

4. Be aware of your hot buttons. Are there certain issues that upset you more than others? If you boil over every time your son is five minutes late getting home at night, think it through before he gets there. Know what you'll say and how you'll say it. And if the answer is to take away his car keys for a week, so be it—but think through the emotional part so you can be calm and collected in the moment with him. This not only helps you deal with the issue in an even-handed way (which is good for your own blood pressure), it also shows your son positive boundary setting and doesn't give him an upset adult to get upset at in response.

5. Know what your family's triggers are. Every family has its own hot buttons. If you know that there are going to be hurt feelings every time anyone mentions the failed summer camping trip, choose carefully when you want to take that route down memory lane. (Poor Dad didn't know that campsite would flood; and who knew Bobby would pack his hamsters in his sister's backpack?) This is not to say that talking about upsetting things is off-limits; knowing that you can talk about difficult things, get upset, and still be okay is an important part of strengthening trust in a family. But pick your times for these discussions carefully and make sure everybody is ready to go in the same direction.

6. Have ground rules for respect. Know what you feel is acceptable—and unacceptable—in your house. In our house, honesty is welcomed; but name-calling and put-downs are not. We say what we say without yelling most of the time, and my oldest son and I have agreed not to use sarcasm when we're dealing with each other. We discovered about a year ago—when he turned 13—that sarcasm hurts both our feelings and doesn't get us anywhere. Know what kind of treatment you want in your family and make sure everybody knows that it's a standard you value. We already have a great guideline for this: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

7. Don't feel you need to talk all the time. Communication is important, but there are ways to communicate that don't involve words. Too many words—especially if you have teenagers in the house—can simply eat up the available oxygen and generally add to the stress level. A hug, if it's welcomed, can be helpful. A gentle touch on the arm or the shoulder can say, "I love you and I know you're upset. It's going to be okay." Sometimes just riding in the car quietly, listening to the radio or your teenager's favorite CD, can give you a moment's rest and put you on more peaceful terrain so that when you begin to talk again, communicating is easier.

8. Be willing to let things go. Sometimes conflicts rise up suddenly like a summer storm and they are over just as fast. I've found this particularly true with my boys. They can get mad at each other in a flash and then be playing video games the next moment like nothing ever happened. If I get involved and get upset, there's more to talk about and more to do—and more to recover from—before things go back to normal. If you're still lecturing your daughter about wearing her ripped jeans to school four days after it happened, it's time to get over it and move on.

9. Pray. And pray and pray. Pray envisioning a peaceful home, happy children, a good marriage, and stable and fulfilling workplace. The power of prayer is a real and living hope, a tool we often use as a last resort but one that is available to us every conscious moment of our lives. Remembering to pray daily for peace in your family will bring its blossom as surely as watering the petunias on your porch.

10. Laugh. When things are stormy and people are misunderstanding each other, it's hard to imagine feeling comfortable or relaxed enough to laugh. But if you're a family that looks for opportunities to laugh together, a family that enjoys its family time, a family with a sense of humor, you're more likely to see the absurdity in conflict sooner and return to a peaceful balance more easily. Life seems to righten more quickly when you can put it in perspective with a good laugh—and even better, when you can laugh together with those you love.

Although chaos is a common by-product of our over-busy lives, using practical, prayerful methods we can cultivate peace in our homes and in ourselves. If we seek it, we will find it. We know that God is easier to find in peaceful moments; in stillness we find refreshing one-on-one companionship with him that can't be found anywhere else. I believe we will find help as we intentionally open up to calming the pace and pressure in our own families and our own lives. Choose a busy moment today—and try it and see.